A CLOSER
WALK WITH THEE
It’s now coming up to a year since my baptism, and longer
since my first brush with the Lord. This has been a period of
great spiritual growth, though it hasn’t always been plain
sailing.
My initial tendency seemed to be to lurch from one extreme to
another. I’d come home from church on a Sunday, with my
head in the clouds, and spiritually regenerated. Reading the bible
also seemed to have the same effect. My emotions and awareness
seemed to be so heightened, that at times I didn’t feel
I was in touch with the world at all anymore.
‘You’re going mad Joyce’, I’d say to
myself. However, the next day I’d get up and go to work
perfectly normally, come home, fully functioning, then back to
work the next day. ‘I still think you’re going mad
Joyce’, my thoughts would say, as I picked up the bible
again, preparing for a further experience of wisdom and enlightenment.
‘No, I can’t be. If I was, how could I still be my
normal logical self in between times?’ A few months perhaps
went by, and I had a vision, accompanied by further tears and
mixed emotions. ‘Definitely mad Joyce,’ I said, but
then I immediately replied ‘ NO, I DEFINITELY AM NOT!’
I’ve worked that one out now, and won’t be drawn on
that matter any longer! Firmly in the lie drawer, and the key
thrown away!
So then there was the other extreme, when I was so absorbed
by the hustle bustle of the world, that God seemed rather far
away. My rational self would speak to me again, telling me to
forget those other silly notions, and to concentrate on the ‘real
world’. This would be fine for a while, but then I’d
remind myself of my actual supernatural experiences of God. These
are the everyday, tangible supports for my faith on which I relied,
when I did have doubts. These are the things that I know happened,
that I did not imagine, which were benevolent, and for which there
were no other explanations.
And so I bounced around on almost a daily basis between being
‘normal’, and being in some kind of enhanced state
of mind. It took months for me to bring the two extremes closer
together, and settle into a steady awareness of an ‘always
present’ God.
George had spoken of ‘putting on the armour of God’.
Well, after the Alpha course, and Freedom in Christ, I used to
think of this rather arbitrarily, as going out each day, and trying
to remember that God was thereabouts, ready to help. Alternatively,
that from His word, I could hopefully recall something that would
help me that day. This was a present, but rather ‘detached’
God. – Wrong! On a good day it turns out
to be a lot more than that! I feel now, sometimes, what I can
only best describe as a sort of fuzziness around me – and
No! It’s not something from the night before! This is a
gentle, protecting presence within me, and surrounding me, showing
me how to see the world and how to respond. It’s difficult
to explain, but it softens all the edges – a bit like seeing
the world through fine gauze, while being wrapped loosely in cotton
wool. It allows me to retreat and bask within a wonderful comforting
Spirit, or move out into the world, relating to people in a softer
manner, so that barriers begin to melt away. This is my growing
everyday experience of the Holy Spirit. He is also there as a
buffer, because, if I relax and let Him, this same softness absorbs
all the knocks and disruption that the world sometimes brings.
The only time so far, that I have struggled to relate to this
new feeling, is while driving the boys to school in the morning,
when I try to continue to hold on to this peaceful presence, but
still respond to the road conditions and the boys’ amiable
(or not so amiable) chatter!
And so I began to settle into some kind of everyday relationship
with Him, and over the year, began to even understand myself a
bit better. I’ve come to appreciate a little of the intricacies
of communication with Him. Some people prophesy, have regular
visions, speak in tongues or heal, but I don’t appear to
fall into any of these categories. God seems to speak to me through
my sensitivity. I can be emotionally overcome by a thought He
places in my head, and in this way He identifies Himself, and
guides my actions. Temptation comes without the same emotion,
and thus I can discern the likely source of thoughts. Uncharitable,
or worldly thoughts, are also now more readily identified, and
consigned to the back of my mind.
So my new life is much less stressful. If I think I can see
problems ahead, I pray about it, and somehow things work out.
I still have problems, but now I have new responses to those problems,
in fact I have a whole new way of being, and looking at the world.
Of course the lure of the world is still there, and the pace of
life is still much as before. In this everyday setting, my rational
mind tries to return to its old inherited thinking - that pre-packaged
set of aims and expectations with which we all moved out into
the world as young adults. Indeed, I have to periodically check
myself for signs of ‘slippage’, just to make sure
I haven’t wandered too far from the pathway. Yes, the age-old
struggle is the same. Science, the mystical, money and other material
considerations all vie for our attention, while God tries to draw
us away from the clamour of the world, and back to Him.
Of course, there are ‘not so good’ days, when I
seem to notice more the things, which are wrong with my life;
when stress begins to get the better of me, and when people or
situations begin to annoy me, or don’t go as planned. Sometimes
I pick up on the wrongness of my attitude right away, and correct
it. Sometimes it can take me all day to notice I’m missing
something, then I realise. I have some quiet time away from the
world, and bring my focus back to Jesus. I read somewhere that
if you keep your focus on Jesus, then it’s just not possible
to lose your way; conversely, if you’re having a bad day,
then your focus has slipped, and you just need to bring it back
to Him.
I’m not fully there yet. I still question, and try to
rationalise my belief. However, as the months go by, I can see
how my perceptions are changing, as I begin to trust more, and
grow in faith.
Sometimes in the lesson on a Sunday, something in particular
will ‘speak’ to me. A ‘light’ will come
on in my understanding, and I take another small step forward
in my belief. When I say ‘understanding’, I don’t
mean straightforward comprehension, but more a case of my spiritual
growth winning yet another point over the remnants of my world
–view outlook, as the reality of God comes closer to the
point where I am totally overwhelmed. At times such as these,
I am transfixed by, I don’t know what, and you will see
tears once more coursing down my cheeks.
This is an amazing journey.
Joyce Kirkup
14/05/06
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